These Are The Words I Held Back...: It Became Real Today

Today was a harder day... I wasn't upset all day, but in the beginning it was just difficult..more difficult then usual. So we were cleaning out my house today and I found tons of family photos and we threw a lot of my dads stuff away. Thats when it became real. I kinda broke down. I feel like through this whole divorce I've been pretty good about everything that has happen.
I've always known that my family is different.. people would remind me. It was obvious. I had no problem with it. We made it work for us. I liked it.... but recently my family has been falling apart and it's killing me. I know that if my Grandma was alive she wouldn't let my brother and I fight. She wouldn't have let my parents divorce tear me and my siblings apart.. the thing the kills me the most is that I don't know the next time we'll all be in the same room again. My family used to be my hero. All of us. I knew we would never be torn apart.. at least thats what I thought.

My biggest problem is that I can't fix this. I have a bit of a control issue.... and I can't control this. It's like a nightmare coming true and today it became real. My mom and I have always had to clean out someones room or throw someones things away once they moved out, but I never thought I would have had to do that for my dad. I couldn't handle it. I wasn't happy. I just want us to be a family again. I want the fighting to stop. I hate fighting. I am always the one to say sorry first.. I'm not sure if that makes me weak and a push over or just strong and caring. A lot of people would say the first one... but sometimes I think its the second one. Most of my sibling have been there for me.. through it all. They know its been toughest on me. I'm right in the middle of it, but I need us all together. I need to know that one day my parents will be able to be in the same room again. I need to know that we will all spend christmas together. I don't want us to seperate. I don't want us to be strangers and I'm not gonna let that happen. Ever.

My brother used to be the person I looked up to the most. He went to all of my gymnastics meets, he cheered me on and our love for our sports really brought us together. I didn't realize how somthing so little could tear us apart. I think he hates me now. I talked to him today, but it wasn't the same and it won't be. Truth is I'm tired of apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I'll let him say it first.. that he misses me, but what I'm scared of most is that the words won't come out of his mouth.

Breaking up a family that is as big as ours isn't easy, but its even harder trying to keep it together. We've made our family work. It was different and we went through a lot of hard times together, but we always knew that we'd be there for each other and we knew that when we got together it would be a good time.

I'm not ready for that to end. It's all different now and I'm not ready to move on.