Pushing you Limits

This summer was extremely difficult for me because as an athlete I had nothing to really push myself towards. I wanted to get healthier and I wanted to improve myself as a person, but I found it hard to do that because I was traveling a lot and busy with other things. The Olympics were so motivating and I wanted to push myself to do something and find confidence in that, but I wanted it to be in something I love and I wanted to be good at it. You see, I have a very competitive side... it does not come out often, but it builds up. I love winning, but then again who doesn't? It's not the kind of loving winning that you know.. I'm happy I won, but I don't need to do it. I get this need to win and I don't like that about me, but I think sometimes it is a really good thing. It's a fire inside of you and probably only an athlete can really understand it. Well... actually maybe I'm wrong.. there's definitely other kind of winnings like at your job and stuff so I guess it's not only athletes. Well anyways my problem was that I could not find something to motivate myself in. I wanted to see results and what I really wanted to do was gymnastics. I wanted to train and I wanted that feeling that only gymnastics can give you. Gymnastics is one of the only things that I am very confident in, but there isn't much I can do at home and since I was so busy I couldn't find time to go to an open work out or something like that. I would watch motivational videos all the time and just missed acomplishing something everyday.
Finally, cheering started this week and although cheering is something I just do for fun it has been actually quite challenging this week. We have been doing a ton of conditioning. I've been sore and I have been feeling so good. I feel so energized and healthy. It's been hard this summer not doing anything. I worked out a little bit, but not enough to make me feel good about myself.

From being a gymnast I am very good at conditioning so doing conditioning with cheerleaders isn't very challenging. Although this week has been the hardest I've worked out in a while, I've found that I'm not sweating as much as the other girls and I don't find that I struggle that much. Gosh that sounds so cocky, but its true. I've conditioned like this my whole life. It's nothing new to me so I really shouldn't be struggling. Either way this week has really helped me with boosting my confidence and being motivated. It's the best feeling ever. So maybe I won't be that elite gymnast that wins gold or gets the scholarship and yeah I am now just a highschool cheerleader, but you better believe that I will work my butt off to be the best cheerleader I can be on that team and not only that I will work to be the best all around person that I can be in life.

With motivation and determination you can succeed at anything. Push yourself just a little bit more and you will be that much closer to your goal. No matter what that goal is. Push yourself with everything you have and you will find youself with success. I believe in you. You can do this.

"When you want to succeed as badly as you want to breathe that is when you will be successful."

"IM GONNA SHOW YOU HOW GREAT I AM."

Can't find the words

There is so much to say, but I can't find my way. The words won't come out. They won't make sense. The thoughts go through my head and it's always so much at one time and there is always so much feeling to it, but I can't describe it. Maybe it's a certain saddness that I just won't let come out of my mouth. Maybe it is because I'm scared to say them or write them down because I'll look at them and it won't be good enough. Indescribable. That's what it is. I want to write about everything I'm going through and all of my troubles and all of my feelings, but maybe the words I say don't matter... maybe it just won't change anything. I know it won't. It can't fix anything. I don't understand myself a lot of the time, but then again who does? Does anyone have themselves totally figured out? I know I don't. I know a lot about myself for a 17 year old girl, but I certainly do not know everything about me. That's part of why we live.. to figure out who we are and it's not going to be easy. Never will be.

What's it like?

Dear you, What is it like to have someone wrap themselves so closely around your heart? How does it feel to know you have the power to make or break someones day? You have this over me. My day revolves around you... maybe not physically, but mentally. You are all I think about. That is an over used phrase.. "You are all I think about", but it's never been more true in my situation and I know for sure I'm not the only one who feels this way about someone. It's normal. When someone catches your heart they capture your whole being... everything in you. They manage your thoughts and everything you do. No one wants to admit it, but sometimes when your heart is taken over that person brings a lot of negative feelings into your life. You feel not good enough and after a conversation with that person all you can think about is what you said wrong and not what went right. It's stressful and heart aching. The pain that comes with loving someone isn't easy to get through thats why you need to find someone worth the pain.
So tell me darling, How do you feel knowing you have so much control over my emotions? Do I matter to you or am I just another girl who hopelessly adores you? I think I know that answer. You have all of me now. Don't take it for granted.
I don't think I'm the kind of girl that has guys up thinking of me. I don't think of me as someone who has that. I'm not that kind of girl. Sure, I can be pretty sometimes, but I don't leave guys breathless or anything like that. They don't fall all over me. I don't know what that feels like. I just know that if I did have that over someone... I'd treat them with respect and I'd treat them kindly because someone who only loves doesn't deserve the terrible feeling of not saying the right thing or not feeling good enough. I would never want someone to feel badly about adoring me. I would only ever be honored. Not annoyed. Thats the worst. When you feel like you're being annoying towards the person you admire the most.
I never wanted to annoy you darling, I just wanted to show you that I cared about you and that I'm someone you can go to. I am so sorry. Please, don't hate me. Please, don't go. Stay. Forever.

Easily Broken

I don't think people realize how mentally weak I can be. Growing up a gymnast I was always told that I was weak. My mind would be easily attacked and broken down. This is nothing new to me. Every day is a fight. My mind tells me I sucks and I push it back with the little hope that I have. I am my biggest critic. I always have been... nothing is good enough and no one is telling me that but myself. I always mess things up. At least thats how I feel. Perfection is the goal... the goal that will never be reached.
I will always find that one person that hates me. Hates me for no reason and it shouldn't, but it kills me. I will never be good enough for that person. Now the weird thing is I don't care at all if people my age hate my guts. That doesnt matter to me.. they have nothing over me, but when adults hate me, thats when it gets to me. It hurts. I'm that kid that parents love.... cocky to say, but true. I like being that kid. I'm the good one. Maybe its not that I hate when adults hate me.. its when I can feel someone judging me. I hate when I'm judged. Its the worst feeling ever.. especially when the person doesn't know your story. That kills. Little does that person know how much I try to get on their good side, but it never works. Nothing I could do or say would make them happy. I'm not good enough. No matter what.
I can be a very strong person. I really can, but when people poke at my insecurities I think about it the rest of the day. I think about how much I suck at math or how I am too fat. Things like this just get me really easily. People don't usually see that, but words hurt. Especially when you try your hardest at everything and thats still not good enough. A perfectionist like me does not do well in a world where inperfection is constantly coming their way. Thats all.

It Became Real Today

Today was a harder day... I wasn't upset all day, but in the beginning it was just difficult..more difficult then usual. So we were cleaning out my house today and I found tons of family photos and we threw a lot of my dads stuff away. Thats when it became real. I kinda broke down. I feel like through this whole divorce I've been pretty good about everything that has happen.
 I've always known that my family is different.. people would remind me. It was obvious. I had no problem with it. We made it work for us. I liked it.... but recently my family has been falling apart and it's killing me. I know that if my Grandma was alive she wouldn't let my brother and I fight. She wouldn't have let my parents divorce tear me and my siblings apart.. the thing the kills me the most is that I don't know the next time we'll all be in the same room again. My family used to be my hero. All of us. I knew we would never be torn apart.. at least thats what I thought.

My biggest problem is that I can't fix this. I have a bit of a control issue.... and I can't control this. It's like a nightmare coming true and today it became real. My mom and I have always had to clean out someones room or throw someones things away once they moved out, but I never thought I would have had to do that for my dad. I couldn't handle it. I wasn't happy. I just want us to be a family again. I want the fighting to stop. I hate fighting. I am always the one to say sorry first.. I'm not sure if that makes me weak and a push over or just strong and caring. A lot of people would say the first one... but sometimes I think its the second one. Most of my sibling have been there for me.. through it all. They know its been toughest on me. I'm right in the middle of it, but I need us all together. I need to know that one day my parents will be able to be in the same room again. I need to know that we will all spend christmas together. I don't want us to seperate. I don't want us to be strangers and I'm not gonna let that happen. Ever.

My brother used to be the person I looked up to the most. He went to all of my gymnastics meets, he cheered me on and our love for our sports really brought us together. I didn't realize how somthing so little could tear us apart. I think he hates me now. I talked to him today, but it wasn't the same and it won't be. Truth is I'm tired of apologizing for things that aren't my fault. I'll let him say it first.. that he misses me, but what I'm scared of most is that the words won't come out of his mouth.

Breaking up a family that is as big as ours isn't easy, but its even harder trying to keep it together. We've made our family work. It was different and we went through a lot of hard times together, but we always knew that we'd be there for each other and we knew that when we got together it would be a good time.

I'm not ready for that to end. It's all different now and I'm not ready to move on.

I love them more then anything and I just don't ever want that love to fade away.

And I'll Be Missing You

It's hard missing someone that doesn't miss you. Even though you try to think positively and think about the good times with that person its hard to block out those thoughts that haunt you saying that that person doesn't think about you. My mind tends to go to "You're just another girl to him." "He doesn't sit up at night thinking about you." "Who are you kidding... why would you ever think they could like you back?". These are the thoughts that come at night... well actually they randomly come, but it's mostly at night when I think the most negatively. It's difficult to realize that at this time in your life, the negative thoughts are stronger then the positive ones. I know I can think 50 positive thoughts and just 1 negative one can ruin my whole night. Thats what happen tonight. I kept telling myself that if he doesn't miss me then I'm worth more then that. I can do better. I don't have to adore a person that doesn't feel the same for me and that I'm going to be okay without that person... those thoughts only worked for so long because then the silence came. I became lonely and I started to think about that person again. I felt stupid for liking a person I had no chance with. I looked back on our conversations and hated everything I said. My thoughts were "He's just being nice." "He so knows I like him and he just feels bad."

There is this girl that I know and she liked this guy, but it didn't end up working out... (story of my life), but anyways I talked to her about it she was completely over it. She told me she knew she deserved better and named reasons why he didn't deserve her anyways. Now... I didn't completely agree with the way she felt she was better then that person, but I admired her confidence. I don't have that. At all. When I like a person and they end up not liking me back I ultimately think of why they are so much better then me... actually I think about why people are better then me all the time. Doesn't matter what relation we have. I want the confidence that she has. It was inspiring.

Every night at 11:11 I wished for this person to like me back. Speaking of 11:11 it is coming up in 3 min.... be sure to make your wish<3 Anyways I realized that that was the wrong wish. Not that I really believe that I certain time of the day is going to make someone fall in love with me, but just in case it is something that over time does work, I started wishing that at that time he would think of me. Just a simple thought. Nothing is wrong with that. Maybe if each day he thinks of me once.. well then I guess that is good enough for me. Maybe over time he will think of me twice a day. I don't know. My wishes don't usually come true. Not my 11:11 ones at least, but I have a certain feeling about this wish. It's special and thats why I'm not letting go. Not yet. It's not over yet.

To wrap this up, I just wanted to say.. it's hurtful to think all day about someone who doesn't think about you at all.. especially when you know it, but there is a reason you think about that person. There is always a reason. You might not end up together, but that person is changing your life whether you like the way they are changing it or not. You are changed forever. Don't give up on that person. You never know when they will come throught and try to think of the good times with that person... don't look into every detail of every word you said. Overthinking is curse that you can control if you really want to. Remember that.

The New Annie

I don't exactly know how to start this off since it has been such a long time since I was last on here. It has been more then a year since I was on this website and who knows how long its been since I have written on it. I was inspired by my friend Katelyn to start writing on here again. She started her own blog and as I was reading it I remembered how much I missed being able to put all my thoughts out there. Katelyn is such an amazing writer. I can't live up to her. At all. My writing is very... simple. I say whats on my mind and I make it clear and to the point.. Katelyn does the same, but she is very good at going into detail and using these beautiful words and such. She is so talented at writing. I'm not like that. I probably will never be like that and maybe I'm a terrible writer, but I know its something I love to do. It helps me through the hard times. So even though I might suck at writing... I'm gonna do it anyways. I'm gonna write my little heart out, I'm going to show you me and I'm going to find myself during this. Hopefully.

This year is so different from last year. Last year was amazing and even though I was homeschooled and I never felt like I fit in.. I knew me. At least more then I do this year. I think. I was very secure in myself and who I was and how God made me. I didn't feel like I had anything to prove to anyone. This year that all changed. I began to feel like complete shit... there are so many things I can list that I was insecure about, but I don't want to name all of them... maybe in other posts I will go into more detail about my struggles. I know I have reasons for why I am the way I am, but people judge without knowing the whole story and that sucks. No one really cares why everything in your life is the way it is they just know that you're not as good as them and thats good enough for them. They can go to sleep at night knowing that they are better and they will be completely satisfied with their lives because they can look at yours and know they have it better. I know a lot of people that are like that and it kills me.

So here I am putting it all out there and there is only one reason that I am so open about my personal problems, I'm not alone. I am not the only one who goes through these things... sure my journey is A LOT different from most girls, but I'm not the only one that feels like they don't belong or that I am not good enough. I know I'm not alone. There is no reason to hide my feelings... so I'm  not going to. So here is to a fresh start. Here is to going from frustrated, depressed, angry and sad to believing in myself even as things go wrong because no matter what things go wrong and theres nothing you can do, but push through the pain and the heartache.

I'm not really sure how to sign this yet.... hahaha I'll figure it out eventually. My cousin signs hers "Always Abby" and I think thats so cute, but I can't take that. I'll do some brainstorming and think of something hopefully.


- Annie